Saturday, July 11, 2009
I did this as a sketch to a painting...which has yet to be excecuted.
I wanted a feel that was relaxed...not too formal, not to realistic. I wanted to protray my feeling of peace, contentment, and happy security with this person.
We are in a different phase of our relationship. In one that we do not share the same home anymore. But as we move on to figure out what this new relationship will be, I am noticing things about myself which give me a sense of hope and excitement.
I did not realize how much I'd plan my days around his life. Not that he asked me to, or expected me to...I just did...... helping put the stifle hold on both of us.
We had reached a stage where we had stopped growing as people....and the stagnation got to him first...two or three years ago actually. As I stood by, I watched the numbness set into him to a point where he could no longer feel.
We should have let go for a while.....or something. I take full responsibility for not putting myself, my needs and my goals take priority, to ensure that I had something to offer a person in a relationship. My life had taken a route of...well....let me see your plans, and I will see what I can do arround them.....which is no way to encourage growth in yourself.
Even though I have moments of dispair that we no longer live together...I am happy that I am mature enough to see that this may be a good thing for both of us. We have both wanted a sense of freedom......we have both felt caged.....and we both put rules for our relationship which was not healthy in the first place.
Coming back to my sense of promise.... I am free to choose. The gate is open.....the field is full of paths of directions that I can choose for myself.......and I would be happy to go dpwn several of them at the same time... I am excited by this.
There is no longer the sense that I have to choose a path that would be beneficial to both....but I can choose the one I like...and skip down it happily.....secure that I am here because it makes me happy....