Samantha Rochard

My creative process.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

In Retrospect

Mother to Crone - Samantha Rochard - Mixed Media
Just a little sketch actually. I have been doing a lot of "introspection and retrospection" these past few weeks. Its been a very good time for me actually. I am marking a passage which in the typical cliched story marks the beginning of my wisdom years. This year I turn 40...is life now beginning?

I look back on my 20's and 30's and wonder what the hell was I doing. Its as if I spent the last two decades trying to be another person. Like I was trying to force fit puzzles pieces to make up my life image. I just realized that it makes no sense ever trying to force them to fit. The "me" that is meant to be has been squelched under the continuous drone of apparent confirmations from people around me. There were several times when I literally wrapped up my creative self and threw it away; only to become a mental wreck a few months later and practically have a breakdown of sorts.

I think back and wonder how much farther the creative me would have come if I had stuck to my guns and continued on any of the many paths to a creative life that I was offered. If I had taken that scholarship... if the coup hadn't destroyed my shop.... if I had continued painting..... if I had finished this, gone to that....what would my painting be like? If I hadn't allowed well meaning people to convince me that my interest in the mystical was leading me down a path to hell....

I think that the only person that needed to fix me was me. To understand myself (to stand up for myself) and fully know what I needed to be happy. But I suppose that when you are taking care of others, the "me" gets put on the back-burner.  I was brought up to believe that the martyr archetype was the highest calling that could be achieved. Now I just think its stupid. You can't possibly help others at the expense of your inner needs. Then you will be no good to anyone.

I guess that's the piece of wisdom I needed to learn.........

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