Sunday, August 2, 2009
This is my "Avatar" done by my friend Rose Spinne, a fellow artist who lives in Canada. Rose is a member of our little group of ladies in a Facebook group who have gotten closer to each other online.
Rose sees me as always brewing, something is always going on in my mind. Directions are constantly shifting and transforming as evidenced by the Dragonflies flitting magickally around my bubbling pot.
This morning I realised that I have never been able to bring all aspects of my personality into any relationship that I have had. And scarily enough, this includes family members as well. There is a tendency for people to "fear" or be intimidated by certain aspects of myself, and I have learnt long ago not to introduce the knowledge of myself, or reveal it to other people.
As such.....my presentation of myself to the public has always been different. And for the people closest to me, aspects of selves revealed to the public seem to have a false quality, as they see the side of me that was never revealed to them.
As I get older, I have the urge to bring all these facets together, and throw caution to the wind for those who will not appreciate all these parts of me, and see it as a threat to themselves.
I have four blogs......each one being a different part of me. In the past I haven't felt comfortable putting them together, because I know individuals who would "lynch" me for my beliefs and attempt with all force and possibility to convert me into something that they feel more comfortable with.
I will soon be in a place where I no longer care about their fears....but will intergrate all parts of me freely. If I am not free to be myself, then what is the point of being?
I have taken this relationship model, this paradigm that I have learnt and brought it into all other relationships which I have had. Parts of myself not discussed or open with the men in my life, always only presenting the side that they "approve" of.
In the end two things happeded. The first was that they always feel that I hide things from them, which does not do anything to help our trust. Second, not being myself soon leave nothing much to bring to a relationship, as the shell of the person presented is just hollow.
In this time of healing, myself is the most precious thing I have. I will learn to appreciate it, honour it, revel in its uniqueness, and only give ear to those who are supportive of it.
Please do not be alarmed by posts which will begin to appear on my blog, as I intergrate all the other aspects into this one.They are all me. And I have a right to be me.