Transitions

I did this as a sketch to a painting...which has yet to be excecuted.
I wanted a feel that was relaxed...not too formal, not to realistic. I wanted to protray my feeling of peace, contentment, and happy security with this person.
We are in a different phase of our relationship. In one that we do not share the same home anymore. But as we move on to figure out what this new relationship will be, I am noticing things about myself which give me a sense of hope and excitement.

I did not realize how much I'd plan my days around his life. Not that he asked me to, or expected me to...I just did...... helping put the stifle hold on both of us.
We had reached a stage where we had stopped growing as people....and the stagnation got to him first...two or three years ago actually. As I stood by, I watched the numbness set into him to a point where he could no longer feel.

We should have let go for a while.....or something. I take full responsibility for not putting myself, my needs and my goals take priority, to ensure that I had something to offer a person in a relationship. My life had taken a route of...well....let me see your plans, and I will see what I can do arround them.....which is no way to encourage growth in yourself.

Even though I have moments of dispair that we no longer live together...I am happy that I am mature enough to see that this may be a good thing for both of us. We have both wanted a sense of freedom......we have both felt caged.....and we both put rules for our relationship which was not healthy in the first place.

Coming back to my sense of promise.... I am free to choose. The gate is open.....the field is full of paths of directions that I can choose for myself.......and I would be happy to go dpwn several of them at the same time... I am excited by this.

There is no longer the sense that I have to choose a path that would be beneficial to both....but I can choose the one I like...and skip down it happily.....secure that I am here because it makes me happy....
Me...happy!

Pushed to breaking point

My son has the habit of getting excited by toys. He loves them dearly, and this is evidenced by his passion for taking them apart to see how they work. Except that when he does that, then they don't work anymore.

I have a scar on my right index finger. I got it when I was a teenager, practising to bend a glass tube with my Chemistry set. I was supposed to wait till the glass was red hot and then bend it slowly so that I achieved my objective. But I rushed things, breaking the glass, and subsequently it ran up into my finger crateing a deep cut which healed with a scar.

What do these two have in common. They are lessons for me. I was constantly trying to fix a relationship that really had nothing wrong. I have a habit of wanting to improve and "fix-up" everything. So when the relationship wasn't going they way I wanted it to....well just like the glass rod...I didn't wait till it was "red hot", it was still a bit cold.......and I pushed it till it broke. And now I have a cut in my heart, which I know will leave a scar.

I went out jogging this morning to clear my mind. One of the things I have realised over time is that you cannot change a person, you can only change yourself. So my analysis of what went wrong, focused on how I contributed to what went wrong. And it all started with a little statement which turned me into a woman seeking to fix-up something that should be left alone to grow with time.
You cannot force somebody to love you.....even when they have made the decision to stay with you....pushing them over the edge just breaks it beyond repair.

Transitions

Those doors are closing....and I must learn to accept it. The hollowness was there, I knew it was coming.

The positive thng about endings is that new beginnings are right around the corner. I have been here before. The loss of your idea of the future gives you a chance to begin to dream a new one. I am back to a beginning.

What would I like this time?

Artist above

When I was a teenager, there was no cable. MTV had just launched and we saw it through recorded tapes shipped to Trinidad. My parents ran a video store, and one of the programs we got was Motown 25.
All the kids in the neighbourhood gathered at our house to see this. Prince and Michael Jackson were said to be performing. We waited anxiuosly for the show to proceed till it came to Michael Jackson.
We could hardly contain the excitment. Awe.....when he began to move.....awe. Yes the music was good, but the man moved like rubber in his legs and oil was on the floor. And then....WTH! He had just done the moonwalk...we were so stunned that it took a minute to come back to reality.
That entrancing Motown performance changed our lives momentarilty......the next few days we watched that tape ober and over again. We knew exactly the hour and min to fast forward it to, we copied that performance from top to bottom. Jerome Jeffrey, from next door, snagged many a girl with his talented Michael Jackson performance at every party for the next two years.........my brother and I could never get it that good.....

Michael Jackson, through his talent, challenged other artists to raise the bar of live performances, and music videos, and record sales. He is a legend in his own.

I blog this today in recognition of what he has contributed to the music industry.

Brain on overdrive

There are periods when the mind has nothing creative (as in August 2008 to June 2009 for me recently) adn there are times when my mind spits out more ideas than time nd money allow.
I sketched the little scribble above which portays how I feel right now. So many things to work on, so little time. There is a poem that I have to illustrate, a book I want to show someone, a fable I have had for two years to illustrate also. Then I would like to try video clips with some sort of collage animation.
Got really excited by the cardboard furniture, saw a video instructable about using polymer clay which got me excited.
I have about ten sketches which have to be converted to paintings.... and more...much much more....

Bear in mind that I do have a job, with a annual quota to make, that I have to work at daily. I like the pace and people and environment, and I know some of them read my blog so I have to be nice...LOL(kidding Caro)

Maybe I need a feww of those five hour energy bottles to work overtime....at my projects.....