Saturday, May 15, 2010
I am angry, upset and sick and tired of the bull. So if this blog seems a little venomous I do not apologise, because it is time I say my piece.
I am sick of people who measure me by the yardstick that they use to measure their own lives. Just as you are looking at my life and feeling pity for me, I am looking at your lives and the lies you live and feeling pity for you. I cannot live your life, do not ask me to live yours.
Those of you who think that my life is "a mess" as they are warranted to say because I do not go to church should see what I see...the lives that are a mess because you do go to church.
The lives that refuse to acknowledge truth, and hide behind the boxed mentallity which uses a religion as a crutch to justify putting up with unfairness, manipulation, injustice and the like. The lives that present an illusion to the world, and whose skeletons in the closet are guarded carefully.
My life is and has always been and will always be an open book....when I love, I love passionately, but I will not allow disrespect. I give all that I have into a relationship, but I will not tolerate constant injustices toward me or my children, and live under the guise of a stable relationship to keep up appearances. If I cannot grow as a person in a relationship, then it is time to move on. If I have to compromise self respect, or use the other person as a means of existence for economic reasons then it is not a healthy relationship.
I will constantly analyze any relationship I am in, through the eyes of my children, and carefully assess the lessons I am teaching them about what relationships should be. If I do not want my children living that way, then I am not setting an example for them by how I live my life.
Many sit and point fingers at me and judge that I do this, and I do that, and how do I expect to live my life. I am living it aren't I?
I have been accused of being a rebellious child who should be chastised especially as I came from such a religious background. And I will answer that I did not come from a religious background. What was ingrained in me as a child, is not what is being lived now in the home I came from. As a child I was taught that race, religion, beliefs were to be respected, acknowledged, and enjoyed if you wish to partake. What I see growing around me now, is that race, religion and beliefs are to be mistrusted, avoided and looked on with suspicion. If that is what your religion does...then you keep it.
I see family members being made to feel uncomfortable because of lifestyle choices....if that is what your religion does...then you can keep it.
I see people living a lie of a marriage because their religion dictates to stay together....if your religion teaches you to take disrespect and live in constant unhappiness...to take and take till you have lost the ability to feel and resided yourself to live out your life in numbness...then keep your religion.
I see people attempting to lecture, control, manipulate, hate, distrust all in the name of a religion.....keep it then if it affords you that type if peace. Remember when you point your finger, three more are pointing back at you.
You have not walked my life.... you have not experienced my path. I have found that your religion is lacking in answers for those who have experienced such as I...and that pain did not start because I was not going to church...........
You will look at my life and think "oh how horrible" but as I look back I would not change any experience which I had, as it made me what I am today. Great forces of mountain and heat on a rock create a diamond, which is the strongest substance known to man. And like a diamond I can withstand the force of any transgression which attempts to dig into my psyche. Where most of you will crumble, and think it is the worst thing that could happen; I would see it as another turn in the path of life, and explore that direction to see what I can learn.
I do not need a Church, a Bible or any of your yard sticks to measure my worth by...and God is perfectly happy with my decision. And I know this because I can look back on my life and see the inner growth I have experienced and know the power of the Divine is in me.